miscarriage
October 04, 2002 - 4:32 p.m.
October 1st�.miscarriage recap.
Around 6 weeks pregnant, I started having some strange, but not painful cramps in my lower back. I mostly noticed them when I would overdue physical activity.
At 8 weeks, My husband and I went to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. We did a TON of walking. One night on the way back to our hotel, I had something like a contraction. It was through my back and abdomen and I had to sit down through it. I thought it was probably normal and just rested up and drank a lot of water.
At 9 weeks I was up late one night doing laundry and I experienced some really painful back cramps. They were accompanied by some contraction-like cramps. I knew something was wrong, but I was just hopeful that I was dehydrated and needed to rest. I called my nurse, who told me not to worry but told me to rest up.
Just before 10 weeks DH and I went in for our first OB appointment. As we were driving there, I knew something was wrong. I was dreading the appointment. I started crying in the car and begged my husband to tell me he was excited about this pregnancy. Of course, he was, but at that point I needed some validation.At this point I hadn't felt "pregnant" for 2 or 3 days, just really nervous.
The first part of the appt was so exciting! We did a family history and talked about the do's and don'ts. Just before the internal exam, I told my doc about the cramps in my back and she got really concerned. I told her the nurse didn't seem to think it meant anything. She asked me if I had any bleeding. I hadn't. Not even a spot. She said she would do the internal and if it felt anything but normal, we'd do an emergency ultrasound.
She tried as hard as she could to hear the heartbeat. Nothing. Not that we were worried about that. It was too early to hear a heartbeat. Then she did the exam. She said she the size of my uterus didn't feel right, she couldn't feel the back of it. She was very nervous and upset at this point but she tried to make it seem like it was just a precautionary thing to do the ultrasound. She said I might have an ectopic pregnancy. As soon as she left the room I burst into tears and cried for 20 minutes. My husband and I went home to wait for the call. They called us in for the ultrasound the next afternoon, September 11th.
My insurance sent us to a different hospital because the hospital I normally go to was booked up. I knew it wasn't good if they were sending us somewhere else with such urgency. We went in, excited and nervous at the same time. The technician tried the transabdominal ultrasound but they couldn't see much. Then they tried the transvaginal ultrasound. They were trying to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. Right away they could see that there was a gestational sac. We were so relieved. Keep in mind that the techs and doctors there knew nothing about my pregnancy other than the ectopic risk.
They measured the sac, and the dates came up at 6w3d. Then they tried to go into the sac to see the heartbeat. They saw nothing. There was a yolk but they couldn't distringuish an embryo. They said it was too early in my pregnancy to see it. They didn't know that I was 10 weeks and expecting to see little arms and legs and a strong beating heart.
When I told them that something was wrong, that it was too small, they said I must have gotten my dates wrong. It was 3 weeks wrong, if so!!
My husband and I went home that night and just tried to make sense of it all. We still had a tiny shred of hope that maybe I HAD been wrong about the dates. Or maybe the ulstround was just WRONG. Eventually my doctor called and told us the possibilities were either that I was wrong, or I had a blighted ovum, or the baby had just stopped growing but hadn't been expelled. Well, I knew that I wasn't wrong. I got off the phone with her and just collapsed. I tried to tell my husband what happened but I didn't understand it myself. Thinking back, all of my pregnancy symptoms had started at 5 weeks and stopped at 7. And since then my body had been trying to get rid of the baby. That must have been what the "contractions" and cramps were.
That night we did our grieving, even though just that week we had told the rest of the friends and family and co-workers. I had gone to lunch with my boss to discuss my maternity leave and part time options. Our stroller was delivered that day. I had torn apart our chair to reupolster it with the fabric from the nursery.
I took the next day off work and DH and I spent a lot of time together, processing. The doctor had me come in that day to check my HcG's. They were at 10,881 - which was perfect for a 5-6 week pregnancy. For some reason, DH and I had hope that the next test would show that the levels had doubled. The following Saturday, another test revealed that my levels were dropping. 8,000. After waiting for the on-call doctor to call me all day with the news, we called our parents and asked them to tell everyone what had happened.
My doctor called on Monday and wanted to do a D&C. I refused. I wanted to pass this on my own. I had been feeling crampy and not-right for weeks and I knew it would happen eventually. I figured I was dropping HcG's about 1000 a day, so it wouldn't take long. That Monday the 16th, I started spotting. I was so grateful - that I knew it would happen, and that it happened on it's own. By this time I was even feeling like things would be ok. We would just get pregnant again when we could. As SOON as we could.
I spotted a few days, then bled heavily, clotted a bit, and cramped a LOT. Then on Sunday I spent a total of 5 hours in immense pain only to pass a clot the size of small apple. Essentially it was almost like having to labor it out. It was awful! My husband stayed with me the entire time, on the phone with the on-call doctor, the same one who delivered the results the week before. I was losing a ton of blood and was in more pain than I had ever been in! I also passed out in the bathtub twice. The on-call doctor called the ER to schedule an emergency D&C. After about 5 hours of laying in the tub, I passed this clot and immediately felt better. We canceled the ER call and kept me up for a few hours to be sure I wouldn't bleed to death. We finally got to bed at 5 am.
We wondered if what happened to me on Sunday was normal. I was having labor-like contractions, and the pain finally relented once I passed the large clot. It was almost too much to take at times, my poor husband had to live through this all with me and I think he is scarred for life. It felt as though something inside me was ripping. I had never read anything about it and no one had ever told me it could happen like that. Since that night, I have only spotted. And my HcG's...still being monitored...are coming down "nicely". I have one last test on Monday.
My doctor said we could try again as soon as we felt comfortable. But I can tell you I am not yet comfortable. Each time I think I am over it, the next day brings a dose of reality. Monday was such a great day. My sister-in-law, a week overdue with her first child, was being induced that day. Soon I would have a new neice to concentrate on. I felt great. Tuesday, my niece was born and I heard her cry. I was so depressed. I wanted to be pregnant again. Wednesday I felt awesome! Such a great day! I loved seeing my niece and I didn't want to be pregnant for a long time! I felt sexy again! I went out drinking with my friends! The next day, I felt awful. Well, it's a hangover. (From 3 beers!) But I'd be 12 weeks tomorrow. And that stroller is still sitting in my living room. I want to use it, but the cat won't go near it.
Each day I think we'll be ok but there is always something to remind us that we lost something that WE created together out of love. It's our fear that we will never be parents. But supposedly this is all a very common, natural process.