5!!!
December 18, 2003 - 3:52 p.m.
Well, what a difference a day makes?
Yesterday when I picked Marlee up from the sitter's, she gushed about how good Marlee was all day, that she hardly napped and just sat and played with the kids. I was pretty impressed. Then when I got her home she refused to nap, so I put her in her swing so I could take a nap. She had a crabby, fussy night again, woke up a few times.
Today when I picked her up from daycare, Sheila told me how crabby she was all day, and how she spit up every sip she took off a bottle, so she stopped feeding her at 11.
I feel bad, because 1) I know why she was fussy and 2) I know why she was spitting up.
1) I gave her Infant Tylenol Cold, because she was uber-stuffy this morning and crabby because of it. The Cold formula really makes her aggitated and grumpy.
2) I didn't give her her Zantac last night or this morning because I didn't know if it reacts with any other medications.
Oh, and she's had 5 messy diapers in 4 days. WHOA. That's 5 times more than usual. No kidding.
I Love My Baby, Really I Do,
December 17, 2003 - 11:49 a.m.
I don't know if it's the mineral oil or what, but Marlee's pooped on her own 3 times in the last 3 days. Again, it amazes me how excited I get about poop.
Last night was a pretty challenging night as a mom. At the end of the night (oh wait, there was no end to it) I just cracked. I picked Marlee up from daycare at 3:30 and spend every second from then on trying to make and keep her happy. Generally she's pretty content, this I have realized after dealing with a grumpy sick baby. The best part of the night was that she wasn't very hungry, because she's sick, so we didn't have to fight about eating like we have been, so I had plenty to offer when she wanted to eat. I know it doesn't solve the problem but it was temporary relief, at least.
I couldn't, and didn't set her down for even one minute last night, so from 3:30 to 9pm, I had a constant hold on her, which isn't easy since she has discovered that she can maneuver her body around and push, pull, kick and scream all at once. I popped her in the Bjorn (face out - it works!) so I could get some housework done but she's so heavy that it aggravated a neck injury that I am dealing with. So then we screamed some more. Of course, she only took a tiny little nap, while Tim napped and I made dinner (not fair! not fair!). But other than that she was screaming and unhappy and gassy and agitated.
Her bath finally settled her down, it was wonderful to see her smile. Tim said she kept looking off to the sides and smiling, as if she was seeing something/one (angels?). Then the fight over sleep started. I didn't even try the crib, but the bassinet didn't work either, so we put her in the swing. When she was out out, Tim moved her back to the bassinet. She woke up on and off from the time we put her down till I went to bed at midnight. Then she was up screaming again until we fed, swaddled and left her to fuss and cry herself to sleep - since nothing else in the world helped, not even cuddling. The kid can't stay still long enough to cuddle. I can no longer stand her in my bed. I like to curl around her, but she swats at me and kicks my legs and pushes off me.
When she was finally asleep, we thought we'd be able to sleep as well.
At this point I needed it, in between her waking/sleeping, I was rushing around the house folding laundry and doing dishes and preparing for the next day, all while dealing with a debilitating neckache and an impending cold and exhaustion. *Snap!* Sleep was restlessand worthless.
At 4am, she suddenly gurgled, as if choking on her own snot. Tim and I shot out of bed (no kidding, faster than ever) and scooped her up to start the hell in our bed. She screamed and cried and blew snot all over us, made us mad at each other and kept us up until 6am. (Note, I get up at 5 and Tim gets up at 6:15.)
Then she finally fell into a restful sleep. Just in time for me to wake her up, get her dressed, and drop her off at daycare.
Sheila was talking to me when I dropped her off but my lack of sleep prevented me from hearing or responding.
Neck hurts, feel guilty and like a bad mom.
3 month update
December 16, 2003 - 5:40 p.m.
Marlee is 12 weeks old! She'll be 3 months on Thursday. She's getting so big - she's done with most of her 0-3 outfits. I am still trying to cram her into her Carter's fleece fotted-pj's, but only because I love them soo much. I'll have to cut the feet off.
Marlee had a babysitter twice this past weekend - my grandma stayed with her while Tim and I went out for my birthday on Friday, and SIL took her Saturday night to stay at her house when we went to a company Holiday party. She did perfect both nights!!! It was very exciting, and a little sad. She took her medicine well for both of them, and played and cood all night and barely fussed. I think it was harder when my SIL picked her up and took her away from me, than it was when I left her at our house with Gramma.
Sunday we spent all day cuddling and reacquainting....she must have missed us, because any time I'd set her down her little face would crumple and she's start to wail. I didn't mind holding on to her all day though!
Marlee is sick again. Poor baby hacked all night - you know that dry baby cough that just wrenches your heart? She's all stuffed up again too. I sent her to daycare though, and I asked daycare to call me if she was cranky, so I could come get her. I thought she had a headache last night (she kept squinting her eyes and rubbing her forehead) and she wouldn't go to sleep in her crib. After fighting with her for two hours, I finally laid her in her bassinet in our room. She fell asleep right away. Then I knew she was going to get sick. If she won't sleep in her crib, but will sleep in her bassinet, it's most likely because she's got a stuffy nose. I'm pretty sure it was my niece that got her sick this time. She's been sick since the day she was born, I wish I was exaggerating. She's got a perma-cough, a gross, chortle-y phlegmy cough.
In the last week I've come this_close to giving up breastfeeding. I just don't seem to make enough to satisfy her enough so she can sleep at night. I have her a bottle of EBM Sunday night before bed and she fell right out and stayed sleeping. Usually we fight to get her to settle in her crib and then she wakes up between 5 - 45 minutes. Last night I had to give her 7 oz of frozen BM before she stopped acting hungry.
I'm barely pumping enough to get her through the day at daycare. She's gone from eating barely 3oz to eating 12oz in 9 hours. Which is good....but I am not keeping up. She definitely prefers the bottle, so when it comes time for a growth spurt that would typically boost my supply, we both give up before too long and I go unthaw some milk for her.
It seems to me that I just don't know when to quit. I made her a bottle of formula last night, because I don't have much of a freezer stock and I'd like to stretch it out a little more, but I couldn't feed it to her. I just don't want to take that step yet. Instead I am trying to boost my supply on my own, throwing in some extra pumping sessions and taking the fenugreek again, even though it makes me sick. So I am giving it till the end of the year, to see if I can make an improvement, and I might stage a nurse-in sometime after the Holidays...but I won't beat myself up if I can't make it work. It's not worth it. I want a happy baby with a full baby.
Besides not making enough milk, I al so think some formulas will help with her gassiness and her reflux issues. She was in so much pain last night, and throwing up constantly. At her next appointment I really need to talk to them about upping the dose or giving her something different - an acid blocker instead of reducer. Poor baby! She has an appointment next Tuesday for her HepB booster so I think I will talk to the nurses then, and see what they have to say.