My Confession
August 07, 2003 - 4:26 p.m.
I have a confession to make. My sugar levels have been doing really really well but I have been finding it hard to fight the temptation of eating whatever I want when I want. I decided last night, since Tim wasn't home and I had been so good, that I was going to make myself a pizza. So I had a few slices and downed a lot of water to try and dilute it. When Tim came home he made me test and my sugars were 182. My limit is 110, and I have never been over 140. This was crashing to me and I felt so guilty! Tim actually turned around and left. He was so pissed. Not at me, but he really fears for the outcome of this baby, and things like this are not good. I tried going for a brisk walk and drinking more water but I could only get it down to 137. I am still feeling horribly about it today. I guess when it comes down to it, I just can't treat myself at all. I am just so sick of fricken eggs and meat (I don't typically eat meat ever) and I have that whole chicken aversion thing going on....it's really difficult!
Just wanted to tell on myself - the worse I feel about it the better in the long run because then it won't happen again!
Later that night, after my walk and my disapointment over not lowering my sugars, Tim came out on the porch and held me while I sobbed into a dish towel, then he went in and made me scrambled eggs since protien counteracts carbs. I choked them down and then went to bed.
I know a few spikes here and there aren't anything to beat myself up about, but it's really hard, facing the unknown. Today I had chinese and the beef broccoli did the trick, since I only registered an 85. You would have thought that would make me happy, instead I got bad news at work (someone's after my job and I am about to leave on maternity leave!!! Vulnerable city!) so I went running to the vending machine for M&M peanuts. I also had a pepsi. I have no will power and I am still fricken hungry. Ok let me confess a little bit more. I didn't have a "few" slices, I had 6. 6 out of an 8 slice pizza. And if Tim hadn't come home, I would have finished off the whole damn thing.
I'm going to bury my in the sand. Speaking of sand:
The big camping excursion is this weekend, along with the baby shower - so I can look forward to a few more spikes, because come on, who can avoid a cherry filled pudgy pie?
Quick Update
August 06, 2003 - 12:06 p.m.
Something I forgot to mention about the class last night - they said that we shouldn't put the baby in onsies until AFTER the cord falls off. That does make sense, but at the same time, aggravated me because that is all I have! And all I have packed for the hospital. I don't have any of those little diaper shirts (and I don't like them) and I really don't like the hospital straight-jacket kind. I mean, the first day or so we'll leave her in the straight jacket but I would at least like her to be in normal clothes by the time it is time to go home. I have heard that Pampers makes onsies with a cut-out for the cord - if I can track some of those down I will have to check them out.
You know my to-do list is getting shorter and shorter by the minute. I sent in my pre-registration forms today. We talked about the car seats in our class last night, our homework is to read the manual, install the seat and bring it in to the next class so we can talk about how it went. This is a really vital part of the class since 80% of all carseats are installed wrong. THat's why I wanted to have ours inspected before we went to class that day. One of the only times we'll have time to do it, and since it's part of our assignment anyway, why not? Then the carseat will be with us Just In Case. Then I just have to pick up some baby lotion, some oils and format some disks for my camera. My mom is coming down next week to help get the house in order (although the house IS already in order) so we'll end up freezing meals and catching up on scrapbooking. I have all my showers to scrapbook and the baby's book to catch up on. That reminds me, I never took a 32 week bely shot - so I guess I will wait until 34 weeks. Then I will try to get one every week until the end - just because I have a double page spread of belly shots - the first 20 weeks on one and the 2nd 20 weeks on the other - so the second side is really lacking on pictures.
Not really excited for my shower yet - but I DO hope it goes well!
Thanks, Class, Baby Hogging and The Reason I Hate Police with No Compassion
August 06, 2003 - 8:50 a.m.
Firstly, thanks for all the positive feedback yesterday - I do appreciate everyone's concern and advice, I appreciate it even more when you are informed and know what you're talking about!
We had our first baby care class last night - not as much fun as the labor and birthing classes. It was a drag, basically. We practiced diapering on dolls (We had the most beautiful Latino baby - who I thought was a GIRL due to rosy cheeks and lips, but SURPRISE! Once the diaper came off - BOY! Anyway, we watched videos on bottle feeding and bathing, cord care and all that fun stuff. I think the only thing I found informative was the cord care. Mainly because I don't have any experience with cords (sorry, it's GROSS) but the rest of the class I thought is basically trial and error, and things we will learn on our own or already know from previous childcare experiences. Tim really enjoyed it though - so that is a good thing. The classes make him so excited about the baby coming and for the labor experience and taking care of her. He will make a wonderful, involved father. I just hope we don't get into "hogging the baby" matches....LOL. Can you imagine?
During our break we were standing in the foyer overlooking the emergency entrance. As we watched, a car came in with a hugely pregnant woman in the passenger seat, and it was followed by a cop cruiser. Tim and I watched in amazement as the cop took the husband's license. The woman was waiting patiently in the car for a while, but soon she got out, got her own wheelchair, sat in it....then got out and pushed the wheelchair into the hospital where someone must have taken over for her because when she came up the emergency elevator someone was pushing her. Her shirt and shorts were wet, so her water had broken, and she looked pretty anxious! All the while the cop is down in the entrance with the husband, he even made him park his car and sit there while he ran his license. I was SOOOOOOO mad. I mean, I realize that it is against the law to speed - but let the guy off with a warning, or let him at least check his wife in to the hospital! All I could think about was people who are preterm and what if this happened to them? Like you wouldn't be speeding and NEED your husband with you???? I mean, come on!!! I was and am still very upset by the cops actions....and wish there was something I could have done or said. The poor husband looked helpless and just sat there while his wife went and checked in to the hospital and was rushed up to Triage.
Not sleeping very well, with the heartburn waking me up every 2 hours and the bladder kicking in about then too. Not complaining! Just not sleeping, either.
A Response
August 05, 2003 - 7:46 a.m.
I got a note today that REALLY was off based. So, something I rarely do (because as I stated yesterday, this journal is for ME and MY BABY) - I am posting it and responding to it openly.
imnotblind says :
I understand that you are ready for this to be over, but isn't it a little much to wish that your baby is pre-term? What if she has complications because her lungs aren't fully developed (and yes, that can happen this late in pregnancy). Or what if she has to stay in the hospital much longer than if she was full term? I think it's awesome that you have made it this far... what's a few more weeks as long as your baby is completely healthy? Please, think of your child and don't be selfish. Here's hoping that you DO go past 38 weeks. And all the way to 40, like you're supposed to.
I just wanted to respond to this, because it really pissed me off. First of all, it is my DOCTOR'S WISHES for the baby to be born between 38 weeks and 40 weeks. That is why she is starting my labor at 38 weeks. Second, babies are considered to be "term" at 37 weeks gestation - when all of the organs are fully developed and functioning properly. The last 2 weeks of pregnancy are strictly to gain body weight to help them sustain body temps, etc.....My doctor doesn't WANT the baby to put on those extra pounds, so if you knew anything about my situation, you wouldn't have left such a callous note. Of course I want my baby to be healthy and I am not asking for her to be preterm. I am simply wishing to be done with this and I am hoping so cooperates when the time comes. Doctors will not stop your labor after 37 weeks because there is no reason to. And for people with twins or gestational diabetes, most doctors WILL induce after 37 weeks because of risks to the babies and the mothers. And of course my doctor is doing consistent monitoring to make sure that the baby IS fully developed before starting labor - and what doctor wouldn't.
Thank you for calling me selfish, though. I really didn't need that this morning.
READY, SET, GO?
August 04, 2003 - 3:34 p.m.
You know what sucks about being completely, 100% ready for this baby to get here?
Waiting.
I hate waiting! I am grateful that I am no longer 5 weeks pregnant, or even 10 weeks pregnant, or even 14 weeks and power-puking, and I will give the 3rd trimester some props since it has been the best so far. But I do hate waiting. Waiting while preparing is something different entirely. But when all the preparation is said and done, there's nothing left to do but...wait.
Well, I do have a small list of things that need to be done...
Carseats - I do still need to get the car seats installed and inspected, but I plan to do that next week anyway, because we have to bring in our carseats to the babycare class. We can just stop somewhere on the way there to get them inspected and kill time. I just got the base from BIL and SIL this weekend.
Pre-Register - I need to find my preregistration forms, as I have decided to send them in even though I am a registered out-patient at my hospital, though through the perinatal clinic and not through Triage. So once I find it I will get that in.
Labor Aids I still have to make my rice sock, but since I probably won't use it, I am not losing sleep over not having it done, and I'd like to buy some more essential oils but again, probably won't even leave my labor bag, so why spend the money? I would like to buy my own excersize/birth ball - they mentioned if you really wanted to use one to bring your own, even though they have them at the hospital, they might not be able to find them (and no kidding, since they are always one the first floor in the classrooms!).
Meal PreparationI wanted to freeze some meals, at least two, so I think this week or next week that will be a goal.
As for the rest of it, it's all been done! I've packed and repacked, film has been loaded into my camera, the digital has been charged and I finished my call list today, and even got the birth announcements ready. Being so 2003, it will be a mass email, I do not care if it is tacky or not. I've planned to let my SIL or MIL sign in to my email and attach a picture of the babe and email it off as soon as possible.
I have one more shower coming up, this Saturday. Hopefully we will get everything we "need" - and there are still some things that we need, believe it or not.
Mainly the safety gates, we have a tri-level and so we need a lot of gates. A changing pad would be nice for upstairs, and we'll need a hamper for the baby's room. We don't have any thermometers, and I registered for both an ear and a pacifier kind. For convenience I'd like the microwave sterilizer (after reading all the consumer reports - I think it's totally worth it).
The last thing that tops my list as a biggie is the monitor. My aunt gave me hers that she used with my cousin, who is now 11 years old! So I don't feel bad asking for a new one.
I'd like to get some more diaper creams and some gas drops and infant tylenol, just to stock up and save a midnight trip in to the city, since nothing around here is open past 9pm.
What we don't need is any clothes - since visiting my SIL this weekend produced 3 garbage bags full of clothes and an excersaucer, and a back-sleeper support thing that we totally needed for the bassinet (since it's not really a bassinet).
My latest fear is that now that Tim and have 5 weeks in mind - and an earlier due date, she could still wait until AFTER her original due date to come. And the antsy-get-here- feeling will just drag on and on and on. Not that I want to go into labor right now - but my body doesn't feel anywhere near labor-like. The last few Friday's before this one, I was riddled with contractions and early labor signs, and now, it seems the opposite. Baby keeps flipping around, not staying head down, cervix is high and hard, no cramps or contractions to speak of, not even a backache. So my thoughts are all about going past 38 weeks - and how I can avoid that. I am just so ready to be done, and so happy to be so close to meeting my daughter!
I realize that some people love being pregnant and think it is such a joy, but in my opinion, it was just a means to get what I really wanted, and that is a family, a child. I might miss certain aspects of being pregnant and I realize the miracle that it is, but the sooner I can be DONE with this, the better!
I had one guy at work say something like, well you had a good pregnancy, so don't rush to be done with it....what he doesn't know is that it WASN'T a good pregnancy. I gave him a look that said so, and he said, "Well you came to work every day, it couldn't have been that bad," to which I said, "Some people can take it, and some people can't."
And I am one of those people who can take it, but this is my journal where I come to share the details of how I am feeling and the truth behind it all, so if you consider it "whiny" or complaintive - get a clue. This is what it was like for me and this is how I chose to express it - I do afterall, write this for me and my child.
And that is the straight up truth.
Tim and I went on a hike this weekend. We were planning to do a 2 mile loop but ended up getting lost (due to some poor signage) and walked 6 miles before getting back to the truck. I was determined not to be a wimp, and I think, essentially, I succeeded. Throughout the first 4 miles everything was fine, I was hydrated, contraction free- and in good spirits. The terrain suddenly changed from the shaded, clear path with some steep hills and inclines to a sun-drenched, grassy field. At that point, we figured out we weren't in Kansas anymore and this ride wasn't going to end any time soon. We were out of water and I was out of steam. Every post we came to had a confusing map on it - but the "You are Here" mark was in the wrong place. We were trying to follow color-coded trails but the color had completely faded from some of the signs, making every trail the white trail, in essence, the one we should have been on. On the last mile of the trip, not knowing how close we were to the end or if this would go on forever, my feet swelled to the size of watermelons and so the shoes came off. It was then that I sat down and cried. Bawled. I had also sat in a puddle, so now my feet were swollen and bare, my butt was wet and as I was climbing up yet another incline, I pulled a muscle in my butt. I laugh/cried the last quarter mile as things started to look more familar and Tim kept repeating "Almost There." I wanted to hit him, and told him so, to which he said that was why he was scared of labor so much, because he knew I was going to be a mean bitch during it all.
Now that is completely untrue. I know how I want to compose myself during labor - and I know that I will be better focused then than after a 6 mile hike, and it is something I am excited to do and I nkow the people who will be present are there to help me and I won't alienate them. Whatever....