YippeeDoodle!
September 12, 2003 - 4:06 p.m.
More plug lost.
I don't jump around and dance in the bathroom at work often, folks.
Just on mighty rare occasions as this.
What's Going On?
September 12, 2003 - 2:36 p.m.
I'm feeling weird. Not right.
Not physically, just in my head.
Lost maybe?
Scared.
This Morning I Cried because the pickle jar wouldn't open and I still had to go to work....
September 12, 2003 - 8:59 a.m.
I'm at work.
I was late, I slept in. So of course, everyone assumes that I was at the hospital.
I am also not wearing shoes. I am wearing slippers. With sawdust on them.
And pants that I wore 3 times this week. Because they are the last pair to fit.
Yesterday, standing in the kitchen, the cleaning guy says to me, "Man your feet are big! You wear sandles so they can hang over, huh?"
I'm having a hard time keeping stubborn-one engaged. She's up under my ribs today, and in her "I'm not coming out" sideways position.
I miss my mom.
I think, Candace, you are right about Sunday. Let's hope. Because I swear if I have to come to work on Monday, it will NOT be pretty.
Not. At. All.
I'm not even pretending I won't be here tomorrow
September 11, 2003 - 4:30 p.m.
See the problem with stuff happening, is that nothing is happening anymore.
She'll be here by Wednesday. Of this, I am sure. And I am not sure of anything.
All I know is I didn't need to be called and grilled by the pharmacist about why I have been taking prenatal vitamins for over 3 years. Well for one thing, I spent one entire year of my life pregnant, and one year trying to get ready and TTCing. And I will be on them probably for the next 4 years or so - since one, I am still anemic and 2, I will be nursing for a year, then maybe trying for another baby, then being pregnant again and nursing for another year! SO THERE! Why don't you call and piss on all the idiots who AREN'T taking prenatals...at least I am trying to do the right thing.
So he had to call my doctor and "verify" my prescription, even though I have about a million refills left. Of course, my doctor is out of town today (nice to know) and can't "verify" the prescription so I don't even know if I can pick them up this afternoon or not. All I know is I am out of test strips (because baby should have been here by now and I shouldn't need them anymore) so I have to go pick THOSE up - and last time I had that prescription filled the same pharmacy told me I was "testing too much" and they wouldn't fill my prescription because I should still have about 20 strips left. WHAT EVER.
I have to come to work tomorrow...I hit a wall on a new project (see, shouldn't have started a new project) and the guy who can knock that wall down left for the day. So in order to finish it, and I always finish things, I have to be here tomorrow.
Maybe that is enough motivation for little miss stubborn to get her bony butt out of my belly!!! I thought spending $85 on 100 unneeded test strips might have done a little for her too. We'll just have to see.
I Lost It!
September 11, 2003 - 8:09 a.m.
I am losing my mucus plug...I don't know what it means but it makes me happy because at least SOMETHING is going on in there.
I'm super tired today, I just can't think or get it in gear. Something's up. I hope I am not pulling my own leg or something!!!
OH....I never worried about this before but what if my water breaks here as I sit in my chair at work?
I am a hormone
September 10, 2003 - 4:37 p.m.
You know you are a raging hormone when all you can think is, I am going to be pregnant forever, I need new shoes and a pickle.
*runs off and cries*
Nope, Nothing
September 10, 2003 - 8:10 a.m.
Hi all.... no baby in sight. As a matter of fact - it might be a while. After all the cramping and pain in there this morning I was really hopeful but all the cramping etc was gone by mid-afternoon.
At my appt, I've gained no weight which is good, so 34 lbs overall. Everything else was perfect so we went ahead to the internal and membrane whatsit....My cervix is still pretty posterior (high and in back) only dialated a fingertip from the outside. Fully effaced, though. She did the stretching, and found it was 1 cm from the inside. No idea what that means....anyway the stretching hurt SO BAD but it was managable with breathing and relaxing...and afterwards nothing. No cramping, no contractions, no bleeding, no mucous plug. It was almost like regressing.
I've been in a very funked out mood all night...we've tried walking, sex, birth ball. I can't even get a contraction going! I knew it only worked 50% of the time and I knew our chances were dependant on that cervix of mine...but for heaven's sakes I'm not even sore.
I worked so hard just in case it worked and now I have to go back to work tomorrow...ick, just thinking how many people are going to ask me about it...and we've gotten at least 6 calls tonight from family and friends. This part sucks!
There is a full moon tonight, and I am not getting my hopes up. I have had this date in my head for months upon months though, I don't know what that has to say about motherly intuition. Maybe I am not going to be as good at this as I thought. I just want to be a mommy so bad at this point, I am really sick of being a host. Tim is happy that we have more time....he's been trying to play devil's advocate. Asking me what we have going on this weekend and stuff. I think we're going to go to the movies. A bunch of good ones come out this weekend...
Well I am off to pretend to work and hope and pray that something happens today!!!
Just in Case
September 08, 2003 - 11:13 p.m.
And, in case I don't come back tomorrow....
Oh all the joy of it
September 08, 2003 - 10:47 p.m.
I am so tired I could almost cry. I worked it to the bone today at work, I expected to get a hell of a lot farther than I did but ended up working all day on the same 4 projects, completing them just in time to have the driver not show up to pick them up for outsourcing and basically a whole day's work is ruined. Then I remembered something needed to be overnighted to CA (I'm in WI) and the driver for UPS had already come and gone - so I had to package it up and then Tim and I had to find a UPS drop location, for which the directions on the internet took us down a road that was closed, and then to a drop box where my package wouldn't fit, and finally just to the UPS hub were I pleaded with them to "just take it!" And they did.
Then on the way home I started to get some very productive cramps and finally some back cramps and some pelvic floor activity and I thought for sure tonight was the night. I was so excited - and even though I was in pain the pain was exciting me that things might just happen on their own! I said to Marlee, "Mommy really doesn't have to go to work tomorrow!" after I had pleaded with her all weekend to stick around so I could go in this morning. I'd been having some pretty intense BH's all day (just much longer and much stronger but no pain with them) so I was pretty sure this would turn into something fun....well wouldn't you know, get home, make dinner, sit on the couch, it's still all happening but decreasing in intensity, I open my big mouth and tell DH about it and miraculously, it stops. I swear, all I have to do is say contraction and they disapear. So I went and sat in the car to try and start it up again and all I got was some mild cramping.
So here's to hoping that tomorrow's "sweep" works....I really can't take being at work anymore, the people that think it's SOOO funny to say, "Still here?" and besides, my leverage with a lot of people and my deadlines was that I could be leaving tomorrow for good! So I'd look pretty stupid marching into work on Wednesday? Mainly I just want to get through this and come out on the other side with my beautiful daughter....
Ok I think I have rambled enough. I am going to bed, going to try to do some convincing and hope that Tim's extreme anxiety over all of this dissipates soon....
I am FREAKING OUT
September 07, 2003 - 1:23 p.m.
*A good husband is one that takes you to McDonald's for a strawberry Sundae at 9:45pm on a Saturday night just because you are hormonal and freaking out and doesn't say one word about how it will affect your blood sugar!*
Last night I didn't sleep worth a damn. Increasingly painful contractions kept waking me up. I was kinda concerned that something was happening but I didn't do anything about it because all I wanted to do was sleep. Obviously it didn't matter because I am still around today. My back is killing me though! I'm really crampy and just generally uncomfortable...I keep saying to baby that I haveto make it to work next week, at least for Monday and Tuesday. And then, I don't want to go back to work at all. So instead of panicking that I WILL go into labor, I'll be panicking that I WON'T go into labor.
I'm starting to freak out. I've left on vacation before - you know, something that is planned and has definite dates...nothing that was ever so up in the air or as long as maternity leave. So Tuesday night when I leave work, do I change my voicemail greeting and turn on my email Out-of-Office-Assistant? Do I plan on coming back or do I plan on not coming back - regardless of what happens?
And I am starting to freak out about things at home too. I have to have SOME sort of gameplan - I mean we were all prepared about 2-3 weeks ago but since then we've taken the car seat and the base out of my car (my backseat is now housing MIL's computer and a bunch of stuff that I have to take back to the stores) and the rooms in my house are basically clean - but the spare bedroom is in no way ready for when my mom comes to stay which could very well be in 2 weeks! I have to get in there sometime today or tomorrow to clean it up.
I am trying to leave some stuff to do for Tuesday night, just in case labor doesn't start - or even if it does, I need something to keep me here a bit longer and not rushing off to the hospital. We are planning to go into the city to MIL's house...it's about 20 blocks from the hospital. But before we go I will have to make my bed, straighten the house, paint my toenails, pack the pillows and the bags in the car...
That is if I can handle doing anything at all. Yesterday we were at Culvers, Tim and I and a friend had just sat down and I was hit by THEMOSTPAINFUL contraction I've ever had. And the longest one - I thought it was going to go on forever and ever. I couldn't talk, but the whole time Tim was like, "What's going on? What's happening, are you ok? Labor? OMG." And I just wanted him to shut up and leave me alone! It was embarrassing enough, and just because I have one contraction doesn't mean I'm in labor. I realize he's never done this before and he is sooooo anxious and nervous about it all starting....I guess I just have a different idea of what's going to happen. I think he's still stuck in TV-land, where the chick's water breaks and they go screaming off to the hospital and deliver the baby 5 minutes later. I'm trying to be realistic, realizing that my water probably won't break, and even if it does we still have some time to get to the hospital...once contractions start I will probably just want to get everything taken care of and tied up, relax a bit and take shower, and then go to the hospital. So he better not be freaking out on me the whole time!!!
I've been using Evening Primrose Oil since Friday to try to get my cervix in a more favorable condition for the stripping on Tuesday. It won't work if I've had no progress....so I've been living on my birthball and taking the capsules 3 times a day...I'm still trying to decide if I will do anything else Tuesday night to "get things going". It's between Dulcolax (a smooth muscle stimulator recommended by one nurse to a girl on my boards) or the castor oil (used all the time by midwives for induction) or just plain walking, bouncing on the ball and sex. Tim and I actually did have sex last night - and maybe that was the reason for all the damn contractions last night...A lot of doctors I know recommend having sex after the membrane sweep because the sweeping itself releases prostaglandins and sex (well sperm) have tons of prostaglandins and it's all good for dialation and effacement. I'm also eating tons of pineapple, as I have heard that it has bosta-somethingorothers in it that help this along too.
I actually think this kid might be too big for my pelvis. I mean, she's dropped some, and after a day rolling on the ball she drops quite a bit, but I can feel the pelvic bone and she's no where near it. My ribs are still pretty sore and it's like she's RIGHT THERE.
I don't know...I have nothing left to do now but obsess and clean and freak out.
I found out that Tim really can't take any time off this coming week and actually can't take ANY time off until December. He's currently heading two projects at work and is expected to be there 150% of the time from now until the deadlines. As a matter of fact, when he told his boss that he was taking VACATION time off when the baby was born, boss said he would have to work from home. It's insanity. I'm stressing over him not being able to spend time with the baby and bond with her - and then my mom will be here, and I am stressing over nursing with her here because she never nursed and doesn't really get the concept as it just wasn't the thing to do when she had me - it's my own insecurities holding me back right now because I just don't know how well it's going to go.
AND OH - I found two of the worst things ever...tiny little purple cresent moons on my hips....my first stretch marks aside from the stripes on my boobs. This is terrible. I know, it's all part of the game, but to get this far and then have them show up? My SIL said she didn't get any stretch marks until AFTER she had the baby. Now that's a kick in the ass!!
I guess it's been a strange weekend - could be my very last before the baby gets here. And pray she gets here Tuesday or Wednesday...I need to be done with this just as much as I need to be at work by 6am tomorrow to finish up all the crap I have to finish before I leave.
I'm freaking out, I haven't had any sleep, my cat is mad at me and is going to hate the baby, my husband is freaking out and I am going to go eat the toppings off an entire pizza because I can.