Maybe sorta better
May 15, 2003 - 2:45 p.m.
I can actually think today. I can actually feel a little bit normal. I love this little Boo-ette so much already...
Tim feels the need to blame something, someone. He says he wouldn't be able to look at her, and think that he could have done something to her like that. I try to explain that she's just more special because she has an EXTRA chromosome. Now, that IS pretty special, don't you think? He says he doesn't even know how to tell me what he feels. But I know, it's a natural, selfish instinctual feeling. We both wanted this little girl to be a mesh of OUR features...not features of a syndrome. It is ok to feel that way.
Well anyway, I'm feeling fine about things now. Less shock than before, more acceptance. I feel perfectly fine when I am at home, in her room, playing with her toys and her books and all the pink clothes. It's just when we're in the car, or at work. Around people, mostly.
We're both feeling kinda detached from the little one. I feel so bad. I've been really quiet, not talking to many people, and I haven't talked or sang to her in a while. I noticed last night that Tim wouldn't rest his hand on my belly. He had his arm across me and moved it away when she started kicking him.
How I Feel Now....
May 14, 2003 - 4:29 p.m.
I just wanted to tell you all that you are WONDERFUL. Your messages and encouragement has meant so much to me. I'm taking everything you say to heart.
On the other hand, I have been regarded with much indifference today by more people than I expected! I'm still in a little bit of shock over yesterday. I'm trying not to get defensive and upset about some of the things that people are saying...some people say the right things and some people just don't. It's almost insulting even though I know it's hard for other people who AREN'T in this situation to grasp what DH and I are going through. There's all this pressure, all these decisions we have to make, and then there are the people who are like, "Oh it's not that bad." Excuse me, but don't patronize. If you were asked if you wanted to terminate your pregnancy, I don't think you would be sitting there saying, it isn't that bad. Of course, it could turn out to be nothing, but look at our TTC history and just this pregnancy alone....is it wrong to be a little selfish and want things to be perfect and worry free Or to get support without condescending judgment from others?
Right now I am deciding against the amnio. Even though I want to know 100%, I just don't think the risk is worth it since I would NEVER terminate this pregnancy. I can't believe I've been pregnant for 5 months and these people think I could just stop and go on with my life! So we have another week of drama and rollercoasters before we'll know if the baby has any heart defects. I'm praying every second of every minute that she doesn't.
By the way, I hope you don't think I am talking about any of you....there is a group os people that I regularly post with that are all at the same stage of pregnancy that I am, and when I told them the news, I got a lot of flack back from them for being so upset over "nothing". These people have no idea. It COULD be nothing. I feel like it is. But, it could be something too, and if I was to find that out, my faith in that "support system" would be completely shot.
I'm tired of feeling sick with worry, of moping around and feeling sorry for myself. Tim and I can barely look at each other. I think if we knew for sure we would be better at handling this. But instead we are forced to wait and try not to get too worked up. Tim doesn't feel like he's cut out for something like this, and I am the total opposite. If there was one thing I was put here to do, it's to be a mom. And I could always see myself as being a special needs mom...so it IS fitting for me.
I just start to wonder if God really ever thought that I would take this baby for granted? Do I NEED all these hoops?
*****
I called the genetics counselor and told her I wouldn't do the amnio. Then I talked to my mom, changed my mind, and called the genetics counselor back to leave a message asking her to please call me tomorrow with more information. I want to know if I could wait till Tuesday to do the amnio...what the risk factors are since I was already at risk of premature labor, the limitations afterwards, and I seriously want to know her opinion. I know she probably can't just give it to me...it's probably against her job and her judgement....but I want to know what she'd do in this sitch given the circumstances and the odds - which aren't at all that high, but odds they are.
I wanted to post something from a friend who got the nail directly on the head about how I was feeling. She made me see it all in a less-self-absorbed light:
"Posted: Wed May 14, 2003 11:13 am Post subject:
Sam - When bad things happen to you people just can't help but say it'll be okay. I wish they would put themselves in your shoes before they speak. When I was diagnosed with cancer I got a lot of reactions like "It'll all be fine" or "Maybe it's not as bad as they think" or silly things like that because they don't know what to say. You're absolutely right... "Really? Would you be saying that if you had the cancer? Or if you were asked about terminating your pregnancy?" Absolutely not, I think people that haven't been a such a position just say anything to not have to deal with the reality of a situation. Much like when someone has a miscarriage, how often to you hear people say "it was probably for the best, there must have been something wrong" or "it's very common" That doesn't mean swat until it happens to you. I'm sure you experienced some of that yourself. I think the only thing you can do is hope and pray that it will be okay and try to remain as stress free as possible for the sake of the baby. If that means not talking to these people that can't seem to realize that this is a very difficult time for you, then so be it. 1 in 180 are good odds, but they are still odds...and I know that's all you're thinking about right now. Anyway, I think I've rambled long enough...but let me just say BIG BIG BIG HUGS from all of us! I am sending positive vibes.
Just to make sure I understand...you have the echocardiogram on the 20th and another u/s but in order to find out 100% you'll have to have the amnio done? I think that's the way it works.
I hope I didn't minimize your situation in my first post to you...if I did I apologize, I know what that's like. And I'm sorry to have rambled and I don't mean by any means that what I've been through is the same, but I do know how people react and how hurtful it can be.
Thinking of you, Tim and your little one! "
Pictures
May 13, 2003 - 10:40 p.m.
Something Good, Something Bad, and Something Pink
May 13, 2003 - 9:48 p.m.
So, many of you have been asking about the ultrasound. I wish wish wish I had all but the best news to tell you.
I DO have wonderful news, but I also have bad news.
The first hour of the ultrasound went by so fast. The tech told me every measurement she was doing, was really quick and thorough, laughed at all my nervous jokes. Right at the end, she started looking for the sex, and let�s just say there was no question what it was...but we�ll get to that later. The good news is that the hematoma is completely reabsorbed, the old blood is gone, hence the risk for infection is gone. The separation is still there � but it hasn�t gotten bigger, and it probably won�t be a concern until delivery. The tech even had a hard time finding it this time.
Then the OB resident came in to do some �practice�. I hate university hospitals. I mean, it�s wonderful care but you�re always a guinea pig. While he�s practicing, a perinatologist comes in and does some measurements, is really quiet and totally on a mission. He measured the same part over and over again. It was pretty obvious he was looking for something specific. People keep coming in and out of the room and everyone is really quiet so we pretty much know something is wrong. A genetics counselor came in and handed the perinatologist a pamphlet that I could read from across the room � Ultrasound use in Second Trimester Diagnosis of Trisomy 21.
I knew what that meant right away: Down�s Syndrome. After I saw that it was hard not to ask what was going on. Tim and I just looked at each other and said things with our eyes and squeezed hands. My quad screen had come back normal! There was no reason for me to think our baby has Down�s!
But it�s just typical, Tim and I have never left that hospital with just good news. The first time it was the miscarriage, the second time the threatened miscarriage, then the SCH, the abruption....the contractions....it goes on and on. There is always something to bring us down.
The perinatologist finally broke it down for us, the part of the baby that the doctor was measuring was the nuchal skin. There was a build up of fluid at the base of the skull, typically a sign of Down�s. He told me not to worry and that he was going to check my quad screen and calculate my odds before offering me any advice.
A while later a genetics counselor came back in and told me that they were going to do an echocardiogram to test for genetic heart defects, and they were offering me the option of an amniocentesis and termination of the pregnancy (with this I was almost offended...No, I WAS offended).
They told me that in 1% of 100 pregnancies, you�d find this condition of the �thicker neck�. In 1% of 100 pregnancies with excess fluid in the head and spine, will be Down�s Syndrome babies. My individual odds compared to my quad screen (which came back normal) was 1 in 180.
So next week Tuesday, I have the fetal echocardiogram, to show us of any congenital heart defects. Apparently this is another factor in Down�s. I have to call them with my decision on the amnio tomorrow. The risks involved with amnio is 1 in 200 of losing the pregnancy.
But you guys want to hear something funny?
It�s a girl.
Today's the day!
May 13, 2003 - 10:44 a.m.
TIck tock tick tock tick tock
How long could today last? Ultrasound is at 3:15. I'm sooooo nervous. Other than that I'm really not that anxious. I just want to get out of work. It's such a nice day, and I am on such a rollercoaster of emotions. I know if I could get away from here I'd be ok. I'm going to try and focus on making a gorcery list. I think we're at the point where we need to buy TWO gallons of milk a week. This coming from the girl who grew up detesting milk and boycotting it in all forms - except cheese and ice cream. All of a sudden I can't get enough of it. Tim drinks a lot of milk, a lot of milk - a gallon to himself a week. Well recently I've been throwing back the bottle and beating him to it - so I think it's time to step up to one of those 2-gallon families. I always wondered what those people did with all that milk. Now I know.
I've GOT to get the nursery finished this week. It's starting to eat at me. I just have so much other stuff to do! I've committed myself to making all the thank you cards for my upcoming showers....so far I only have 12 done. Seeing as how I'll have at least 3 showers with at leat 15 people in attendance at each one....I have a lot of work to do! I was contemplating buying some store bought cards and giving them to the people that wouldn't appreciate the work put into a hand-made card....but we all know the politics with that one. Eh, we'll just have to see.
As of now I think I am just going on and on to keep myself occupied, I might try to do the same here at hell - er, I mean work.
I will be back with the grand report!!!
Mother's Day, Showers, Baby Updates, Ultrasound!
May 12, 2003 - 4:49 p.m.
I truthfully didn't expect anything for Mother's Day this year. After, I am not technically a mother yet (even though I am the only one who can care for this baby right now). But the truth of the matter is, MIL gave SIL a card last year, when she was in the same stage of pregnancy as I am this year. The IL's were at our house yesterday and I didn't even so much as hear it from her.
No big deal, I am over it, I just wanted to make that point.
Another double standard that I would like to predict: I have a friend who is 10 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy. Our group of friends decided to hold a shower for her. I absolutely guarantee that the same will not be true for me. Again, it's really no big deal but I just want to establish the fact that I do see myself being treated differently than my family and friends.
All of the showers that I know of have been scheduled, my first one is a month away. The girls at work are hosting it for me. I'm hoping for lots of gift certificates to the places I registered at...and I know it sounds horrid but I also hope for lots of gift receipts! Sorry but there's just no need for 40 receiving blankets and cheapo plastic bottles * and a ton of Nuks.
My mom is having a shower July 12 and Tim's mom is planning one August 9th. She says the baby might be there by then, and that's cool. Her showers always bring the best gifts, though hardly anything is off the registry. I remember wondering why I even bothered to register for our wedding! I made sure to only register for things that I truly needed this time, with the exception of a few things, that even if I don't get, I will buy them myself. That nursery cooler/heater for the bottles is just the coolest thing (and it can go on the boat when we're done using it for baby)!
In baby news, this was the first weekend in a while that he didn't take Saturday off. I weighed in at 120.5....not something I was pleased about. The extra weight is really dragging me down. I had hoped to stay under 120 for at least another 2 weeks. It's no wonder though, the way I have been eating.
The big ultrasound is tomorrow - let's pray we get the money shot. I am planning a little caffeine intake before we go so Baby Boo gets hopping in there, unfortunately he is pretty inactive at 3PM. That's naptime.
And right now it feels like naptime for me as well. Too bad I have to work!
* Of course, I don't mean I can't use plastic bottles. It's just that I've already decided which bottles I will be using and I have a good stash of them.