Holy crap....what else?
August 29, 2003 - 9:01 a.m.
Wow. Just got off the phone with my nurse. I am Group B Strep NEGATIVE!!!!
And, she thinks I do have pneumonia. So I am going back in at 11:30 to couch into a cup and change my antibiotics.
I've Honestly Never Been This Sick Before
August 29, 2003 - 8:35 a.m.
So ask me when exactly I thought I was going to die last night?
Probably right around 3am when I was woken up out of a semi-deep sleep by my throat closing up. Here I am, sputtering and choking, gasping for air. Not much makes sense in the wee hours, especially when you have no idea what is going on. I made my way to the bathroom where all the commotion in my throat triggered the gagging reflex and I threw up.
It wasn't the first time I had woken up coughing that night, but it was the first time I felt I could actually die from it. I thought about sleeping on the couch downstairs but I was afraid next time it happened I wouldn't wake up, and Tim would be too far away to hear me choking. So I propped up my pillows and slept upright. No more choking in the middle of the night for me!
It appears that the sinus infection has broken up and moved into my chest. It was on it's way there last night, which caused the episode described above. Now every breath I take is a wheezy chortle. Like I am constantly snoring, yet I am wide awake. I still have the sinus headache, on top of that my throat feels ripped open and my chest feels like it is caving with every breath.
I'm here at work only to accomplish a small list of things and pay my bills. Then I am going home. To talk to the baby about when she wants to make an appearance. Because one of these things has to go - baby or pneumonia.
I honestly don't think I have the strength or endurance to go through labor at this point, but I would be willing to try. My immune system isn't going to get any better at this point, I can expect to never fully regain energy or well-being before she gets here anyway.
Finish Line? Where AAAARRRRE You?
August 28, 2003 - 10:28 a.m.
Your baby weighs about 6 1/2 pounds right now. Her total length is around 21 inches. You've probably gained about 25 to 35 pounds by now.
Expect this to ramble a bit...I am out of it and really really crabby.
Well I am back at work today. I left yesterday around noon to go pick up my prescription for the antibiotics. I could tell my boss was a little ticked that I was leaving work early but COME ON, I am 9 months pregnant and I have a sinus infection and had less than 2 hours of sleep - but me some slack, huh? I can't get over some people.
I'm so tired of talking pregnancy with everyone, I am so tired of talking to anyone period. I just wish I could come to work, get my work done, and go home. No interuptions, no conversations. I can't tell you how many people talked about how "swollen" my toes were yesterday. The truth is, I have naturally chubby toes. My feet haven't swelled in a long time, and my ankles have never really swelled. I normally paint my toenails blue, which really minimizes them, but I recently ran out of blue and had to resort to dark purple (Mulberry Haze) and that's why my toes look so darned fat now. Seriously.
I'm still suffering from this stupid sinus infection - there is so much pressure in my head. It's unimaginable. And sympathy is hard to come by. I really haven't vocalized to anyone I work with or my family how much this pregnancy has really sucked - drained the life out of me really - so I suppose now that things are getting really really uncomfortable they just don't think it's that big of a deal. I guess it's a good thing I have kept this journal so I can remember all the good and bad times when it is all over.
I'm starting to get that "Stay close to home" instinct. I just don't want to go anywhere. We've travelled and been busy all summer long, and now that the due date is fast approaching, my body knows it's time to wind down and stay home. The in-laws want us to come up to their house this weekend but I will have to refuse - for this reason AND because it is our anniversary. I'd like to go out to dinner or something fun with my husband, since we won't be doing much of that in the future.
I gained 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks - something my doctor told me to watch, again. It's strange how the last appt I didn't gain anything and this one I skyrocketed. I'm up 34 lbs now. I'm supposed to be gaining a pound a week - so really I am right where I should be in terns of weight gain. Since I see her again next week I just hope that I've only gained that one pound. I don't have much of an appetite with this illness so that will help a lot.
I think I'm one of the people who will be able to handle getting up every 2 hours pretty well. I never have a problem falling back asleep at night no matter how long I've been awake, so as long as I get to go back to sleep at some point all should be well. I read somewhere that since you need 8 hours of sleep to function normally, you should stay in your PJ's and in bed until you've reached that 8 hours, then get up and shower and resume normal activity. Meaning, you go to bed at 9pm, get up at 11. That's two hours of sleep. You're up for an hour, go back to bed at midnight, up again at 2am. That's four hours. This repeats until you have gotten 8 hours of sleep - not consecutive, but 8 hours nonetheless. I suppose that could work. I think I am going to try it. If this is the schedule, I'd still be able to get up some time in the morning, 8 or 9am. So I would't feel like a complete bum! Yea right. We'll see how it goes.
I can't wait until I have the chance to do this already - I've never been able to enjoy other people's children much- mainly because I wanted my own so badly and knew someday it would happen, I reserved all the joy of bathing and changing and cuddling for my own baby! In the back of my mind I always said this patience would pay off someday and I would be able to fulfill those dreams....
So come on already.
Yesterday I didn't have any noticable contractions, maybe 3 throughout the whole day. Today I had my first at 8:30, relatively intense. When I ate my breakfast this morning, I felt it hit my stomach and then some kind of pain radiated through my belly. I hope it was just indigestion related - belly wasn't hard or contracting but this was a worse pain than I've had to date. It was gone relatively fast and now the baby is moving like crazy...she must be straight up and down today, her feet are right up under my boobs instead of my sides. Much more comfortable if you can imagine. I don't mind if she stretches up - but that might be why eating food hurts so bad?
I'm still having issues with having to make that appt for 3 weeks from now. I know she's truly due 3 weeks from now - but I can't wait that long. If that makes me a wuss, so be it. If I don't have her the week of the 9th, it will be the same depressing feeling that most women get when they pass their due dates...
Ugh, someone remind me to put on some makeup and a nice outfit and take my 36 week picture tonight before it's too late...I can't believe how easy it is to slack on those when you are so big and sooo unattractive! I wanted a 36, 37 and 38 picture for my scrapbook. What I don't want is a 39, 40 or 40+ picture. If you get my drift.
I'm waiting for my fitness ball to come in - it would have really come in handy on Tuesday night during all the activity. I've read that they can help the baby engage (though the pressure I was feeling I think her weight was pretty much all on that cervix). It should be here in the next week....I was hoping it would be delivered early as it isn't due to arrive until the 5th.
Update - No Baby!
August 27, 2003 - 8:56 a.m.
Update from last night: Contractions were getting increasingly more painful so after laying in bed for a few of them, Tim, the friend and I decided to watch a movie. Contractions were still 10 minutes apart but finally stopped (just completely went away!) at 1:30am so we went to bed. 2 hours later Tim wakes up with a migraine, his meds were out in my car. It was all I could do to move him to the bathroom (he gets ill) and that's where we spent the rest of the night.
So needless to say last night SUCKED but I suppose I have to get used to the no sleep thing! I'm here at work only waiting for my prescript to be filled, then I am out of here - my bed is calling me!!!
Appt update, Sinus Infection and Contractions to boot
August 26, 2003 - 10:42 p.m.
Thought I'd type this out before I TRY to sleep tonight. My doctor appt went well, I suppose. Tim went with me and we got along perfectly, that was nice.
Doc checked over my birth preferences and loved it, she said everything was very helpful and very valuable, which made me feel good because I thought a lot of the stuff on there wasn't necessary but I guess it was!
I am glad I ran it passed her in the first place because she was unaware that we wanted genetics testing done using the baby's cord blood and they need special equipment and kits to do that, so now she has time to contact the hospital and set it all up.
I had my GBS swab done, and I should have the results by Friday.
Also, I asked when she starts doing internals and my first won't be until 38 weeks when she goes in for the membrane stripping. I guess it really doesn't bother me because I didn't want to get my hopes up about dialating and effacing only to sit around miserable and pregnant for the next 3 weeks! Yes, she made me make an appt for 3 weeks from now....not something I wanted to do.
I told her about my headache, which I am now on day ten. That paired with recent toothaches, the cold....you guessed it, sinus infection. So now I have 10 days of antibiotics to deal with. Ick ick ick ick ick. She said my sugars have been high because of the infection and they will just continue to get higher and higher until the infection is gone. So I really hope I kick this before baby decides to get here!
I also have to do the netti pot thing twice a day...what really sucks is I was going to stay home from work tomorrow (since I have given up on getting anything done) and she forgot to give me my prescription and the recipe for the netti pot so I HAVE to go in tomorrow at least to call and wait for the prescription to be filled. I figure a half day will be enough - then I am back in bed.
The latest in the saga: Since about 5:30 I have been having contractions that are 10 minutes apart! I know this is nothing compared to Linda and Laurel and some others but it's a change to me. I didn't start timing them until about 8:30, I just counted how many I was having and divided it by the length of time they had been going on and it worked out to 10 minutes. Then I timed the rest (and some are so weak I can barely feel) but sure enough, 10-11 minutes apart. Very consistant, but not at all painful. Right now I am having really sharp cervical twinges, pretty sure it's just the weight of the baby's head, but I tell you what I can't wait to go to sleep. I can't see how you girls go on like this day after day. I am exhausted....and it doesn't go away when I lay down! All afternoon I thought I was having some intestinal problems, constipation or something but I knew it wasn't that because I'm still doing pretty well in that area (like I told Jocelyn, FIBER is major in my diet because it helps regulate my sugars) so I wonder if labor is close?????
Things with Tim and I seem to be picture perfect right now....the appts always bring us together and we had a bit of relief tonight, a mutual friend of ours is spending the night and that helps to ease the tension a bit.
I am off to bed.
The World Is Not Enough
August 26, 2003 - 12:15 p.m.
Things are going from bad to worse. Last night when Tim picked me up from work, I cried the entire way home in the car. It was a combination of not feeling well at all, dealing with crap at work all day and seeing Tim knowing we'd probably fight. We didn't, as a matter of fact he held my hand the whole way home, then took my shoes off and made dinner while I lay sobbing on the couch. The nicety only made me cry more. Later I made sugar-free milkshakes (disgusting) and we went to bed early. When we got home I was feeling some menstrual type cramping and at bedtime I had some more cervix activity. I didn't get more than an hour of sleep, as this cold settled in my sinuses just before bed. I alternated between hot and cold, comfortable and uncomfortable, and then around 1am woke up with a dehydration headache - you know, like a hangover? I went down to guzzle some water but the water pitcher only had about 1/4" of water in it. BIGGEST PET PEEVE EVER. I drank some tap water that tasted just wrong, went back to bed and got up every hour to pee.
This morning I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck, and looked like it too. I guess I was a little less than friendly, I was kinda ticked that Tim kept stealing my body pillow last night AND he kneed me in the back a half hour before I was supposed to get up.
As we were leaving the house he starts another fight with me about how many times I got up last night to pee. Well he said it seemed like I was mad at him about something, and I told him about the water and the pillow and the back-kneeing, but I wasn't MAD, I am just tired and so sick. He then starts another fight with me as we are leaving the house about how many times I got up to pee last night. When we got to his work he jumps out of the car and barely says "bye". I drive to work in tears feeling defeated.
Then the first thing I walk into this morning at work is a discussion about how this guy's (wife's) ultrasound went yesterday - background they thought their baby had Down's Syndrome because of a high AFP test, but the ultrasound showed no signs. As I walk into my office, I catch the end of this conversation and I hear my boss saying to him, "Well Samantha's ultrasound showed their baby does have it." I walk out of the office, into the kitchen and proceed to cry for 5 minutes until people start coming in. I guess since things had been going so "smoothly" with the pregnancy I didn't even want to think about that, and here I have it thrown in my face, such personal information and the way it was regarded made me just want to quit my job. I am having internal panic over the Down's Syndrome thing, in my mind for the past 10 weeks or so, I haven't even considered the fact that she could have it. I know it's something I have to face before she gets here...it seems like Tim has come to the realization that she's still a baby regardless and she'll love us with such an intensity that we'd otehrwise not know. When this topic first came up, I was so intent on getting him to this place, I think I forgot to realize it myself. Of course, I am bonded to her already and know that I love her and nothing could change that unless it was to mean I love her even more...it's just scary for her sake and all the things I want to shield her from. And for the record, when you were sticking out your little leg the other day, to the point I was sure my skin would break, I am really really sorry about tapping it back in with the TV remote and yelling "stopit!" I've felt guilt over that for a week now.
So today I am really stuffed up and I have a voice that resembles Darth Vader over Princess Leia. Eeek. At least I have a doctor's appt today at 4 - which I will be going to alone. Tim was going to go with me but I think it would be best if I just went myself. I am probably going to break down, I've kept such a brave, sunshiny face at these appointments until now.
Some people at work just told me that I've dropped a lot. Good. I like to hear that things are progressing. At least I know baby girl wants out as much as I want her out!
I'm feeling some low pressure but I think it might be intestinal. We'll see how things are at my appt today.
Woes and Whoas
August 25, 2003 - 1:03 p.m.
This weekend: not so good. I hit the 36 week mark, an amazing milestone. I'm feeling the effects of a run-down immune system and general end-of-pregnancy malaise.
Friday: I ended up with Tim's god-awful cold. Already running out of steam, this completely sapped what little energy I had. Day 5 of headache. Dinner was pleasant, steaks on the grill and some sugar-free mint chocolate chip ice cream that isn't half bad (maybe because I can't taste it). I had quite a few contractions today, none painful, just noticable and frequent.
Friday night as I am going to bed, I have intense cramping and some cervical pains....feels like the baby is knocking on the door. I get up at 3:30am to go the bathroom and the whole time I am having this BH so hard and so intense I can barely pee. On the way back to bed I am doubled over with this sensation of the baby falling out. There was a ton of pressure on my cervix and I couldn't walk for the pain. I was in this groggy stupor and just wanted to get back in bed, so eventually I remember crawling back and collapsing - falling asleep almost immediately. When I woke up a few hours later, the trip to the bathroom was less eventful, so obviously nothing was happening other than the baby being in a different position.
Saturday morning I woke up to an excrutiating backache and thought maybe, just maybe that meant we'd have the baby that weekend. No amount of activity or Tylenol made this backache go away, so finally at 4:30 Tim took me to the pool in town where I walked laps and floated the pain away. I had NO contractions the entire day, surprisingly enough. Though I still had a sore throat and was exhausted, the nesting bug hit that night. I begged Tim to mop the kitchen floors, then we shampood the carpets in the living room. Saturday night was hot and I couldn't sleep at all. I was up every hour to go to the bathroom, other than that I tossed and turned.
Woke up Sunday with the same backache. We ran some errands and then got back to cleaning the house. Tim's parents brought the swing and we got that all set up. I got all the rugs and blankets through the wash, repotted and soiled all the plants and re-shampood the carpet in the living room. Again, no contractions, but the baby was awake ALL day. Sticking out feet and knees and generally making me very uncomfortable. I didn't sleep well again Sunday night, but woke up with less of a backache this morning. The headache that I've had for the last week came back and settled above my left eye as I tried to sleep.
I'm not sure why, but Tim and I got along perfectly one minute and were at each other's throats the next. I realize I am on a very short fuse, but I think I am still exuding much more patience than I think I should have to. I kind of feel taken advantage of and I am sick of his after-the-fact apologies! There comes a time when sorry starts to sound like a habit.
This morning I packed both our lunches and set out money for snacks from the vending machines and waited for him to get ready while he slammed and stomped around the house and then had the nerve to call ME grumpy. He apologized shortly after but instead of letting it slide and making up I told him that going to work today was going to be one welcome vacation from being around him. Of course - that was a mistake! Now we are in a full fledged fight...
On Friday when I was home sick, I warmed up a can of soup that I bought when he was sick, but he never ate it and never wanted it when I offered it to him. He comes home and says, "I can't believe you ate my soup," and acts like I did it to spite him. His actions make no sense - I end up crying and he apologizes.
Saturday he promised me that we'd go swimming at the pool together. It was pretty much all I wanted to do since my back was hurting so bad. He told me he wanted to stop and see a friend and would be back in a "few". 4 hours later he comes home, at 4:30. The pool closes at 5. I'm obviously very pissed and I don't feel like wasting time rushing to the pool. He says he knew I would act like this anyway and walks away. I end up crying (wailing really) and he apologizes. We make it to the pool and spend 25 minutes in the water getting along just fine.
Sunday I asked if he would help me make lunch - soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. I get the soup cooking, butter the bread and get out the cheese and frying pan. Basically everything except put the cheese on the bread and put it in the pan. Then I started to clean the fridge, while he's just standing there staring at me. I said, "Please make the sandwiches while I clean the fridge," and he says to me, "I don't know how, I thought you were going to help." I clearly have done all the work so far and who doesn't know how to make a sandwich??? So I said something about it not being hard and starting to make them - he got pissy and pushed me out of the way and was mad all through lunch because I didn't "help" like I said. He later apologizes, but when I said it was pretty stupid of him to say he doesn't know how to make the sandwiches, he comes back with "Well you said you would help." Like he didn't even realize that I DID practically EVERYTHING. I let it slide.
There were assorted hurtful comments and insinuations all weekend about how picky and bitchy I am, and I am not denying that I am! But it just ate at me to be around him all weekend and this morning was the complete last straw. Leading up to this, through all my discomfort I kept repeating "pick your battles," in my head. I lost it this morning - I just don't understand why he's being so irrational and blaming it on me and my hormones!!!! Maybe I just can't see the forest but he's not being understanding or himself. I am sure he is going through the same stresses as I am, trying to get the housework done and everything we need to before the baby gets here....I've tried to keep that in mind! I guess after all the crap this weekend, I feel like I'm simply finished with trying, caring and expending energy taking care of someone other than myself. I need to reserve my resources for what is to come... I just wish he had a little bit of understanding. It's hot, I am 9 months pregnant and I resemble a big fat swollen wood tick. Just the smallest amount of consideration goes a long way...but most of all, a mature and responsible ADULT would be nice to deal with right about now.