Chem Pg
December 27, 2002 - 10:50 a.m.
This link might help explain what a chemical pregnancy is.
Apparently this is what happened in cycle 7.
La La La La La La La La
December 27, 2002 - 9:58 a.m.
Patiently waiting to ovulate again...ok, not so patiently. I'm doing everything I can to be normal right now. It's just so hard. My temps certainly aren't cooperating and we're under a lot of stress right now.
I think the worst part about this, isn't how I'll feel if we get a negative this month. It's how Tim will feel. He's reall pushing for a baby. He thinks it's going to be easy like last time. Well truth be told last time WAS easy but it nearly killed me as well. It took 4 months. It doesn't seem like a long time but break those months down by 2 weeks. 8 long weeks with nothing but waiting and praying in between.
eh, I can't control anything, though, right??
Even my SIL is asking when we'll be pregnant again.
I have this little green bib with a bear holding out its arms and it says, "I LOVE DADDY". I wrapped it up and put it in my underwear drawer.
Oh, and my Father in law is getting my husband a puppy for his birthday in March.
Now I've told you all my secrets! Happy?
I Don't Even Know Myself Anymore
December 20, 2002 - 9:29 a.m.
So many things have been said.
Tim is trying to put things together, trying to understand. What happened, the first time.
From about 5 weeks on, I started having panic attacks. Regularly, every day. From the second I woke up until the minute I finally forced myself to sleep. I couldn't breathe, I carried a paper bag with me at all times. I went to the doctor to make sure I wasn't hurting the baby. I wasn't, but I couldn't figure out why I was so anxious or upset.
A few days ago, Tim asked me if I knew something was wrong with the baby then....if that was why I was having the anxiety attacks.
I suppose he's right, unconciously, I could have known. As soon as I had the first ultrasound and found out the fate of our little one, the panic attacks stopped. Oxygen coursed through my lungs like normal, for the first time in almost 5 weeks.
He wanted to talk about it the other day, when his grandpa died. I don't know why, but he said losing our baby was worse, even though he loved his grandpa with a fierceness of his soul. Any mention of the miscarriage brings me to tears and I lock up...except for here of course.
Tim said, "I wish you would just forgive yourself."
I wonder how much he sees that I don't see.