Patience
November 19, 2002 - 9:40 a.m.
I keep telling myself that patience is virtue
- but -
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. And I can't get it to stop!
I feel so petty and so selfish.
But it hurts!
Ok starting from the beginning, there are two issues that are totally ripping me apart right now.
I've had a hard time psyching myself up for trying again. It's only been 3 months, and as much as I want a baby, I am scared to DEATH to be pregnant again.
So I have been slowly working up to actually wanting to do it, and one day I woke up and thought, "THIS IS THE MONTH!" I was so excited, and so ready.
Tim and I had talked about it, and decided we should start trying again.
So, with my newfound happiness in the matter, I brought it up to him again, .....and......he....backed....out.
Yea, he decided he didn't want to this time, and not next time either, and maybe not even the next time.
He wants to wait until we are in our new house, which won't be until January and then the timing doesn't exactly work out for me until February, and do you know how dangerously close to April that is?
So say I don't get pregnant the first time, or even the second or third time like last time....and my first EDD comes and goes with no baby?
When I first miscarried, my only solace was knowing I could do it again and would be pregnant long before the first EDD came around, it would help me through that day knowing that I had another one to look forward to.
So here we are, I'm actually admitting and facing a fear and I'm being held off. It's not that bad...really I could wait till July again but paired with some news I got yesterday. It produced a bittersweet reaction that I am ashamed of.
A friend emailed me and said she has been feeling "queasy" lately....just a few minutes later T emailed me and told me he had talked to her husband and yes indeed, she is pregnant.
Stabbing blow mixed with extreme happiness?
I can't even describe the pure mixture of feelings I had at that point. I am so happy for them, but so very jealous.
When I told Tim how I felt, totally expecting him to feel the same, he blew me off. So what? She's pregnant. Well, don't you understand, she's the first person to find out she is pregnant since me? It's strange, there is no one more deserving, and I can't wait for her to have her baby. But I want to be standing next to her, comparing the swelling in our feet and belly sizes. Complaining about back pains and sleep disturbances. I want to be pregnant WITH her, so it doesn't hurt so much to see.
So here I am, just trying to get out what's in my head because I have had tears in my eyes for 36 hours and this heavy feeling in my heart that just won't go away.
I feel so helpless, is there nothing I can do about this? Is there nothing that will fill this hole? I just bought a GORGEOUS house, I should be so happy.
And would people PLEASE stop telling me that it is better this way? I KNOW it is better that we have a house now, but it isn't BETTER. We are not BETTER OFF for losing our child. There is no specific order. Quit telling me that it wasn't meant to be, quite telling me the timing wasn't right. Quit telling me I wasn't ready. Quit telling me that I tried to rush it. Quit telling me we should wait some more. Quit telling me anything of the sort. You haven't been there, you will never know, and I don't want your pity or rationalizations. OK? OK?
For the love of God, please stop blaming me
I really really don't care what anyone thinks about how I feel. Because I am constantly being told that my feelings aren't valid and there is no reason to feel that way.
What I really want to hear, is nothing.
Patience is a Virtue