Trivial Compared To This....
November 20, 2002 - 10:09 a.m.
Things always have a way of making me feel absolutely selfish and terrible.
It's just a sign that I was put here to help other people and to not too much time in myself.
A friend of mine is going through terrible troubles.
Here is her email to me:
"Hi -
This is a really hard email to write but I just couldn't bring myself to post it on the BB. I know that you are taking a break but maybe you could fill everyone in on what is going on. I don't know when I'll get back on the BB's - maybe tomorrow, maybe never. You can even cut and paste this, I don't care, I just couldn't write it there myself.
I had my u/s today and got really bad news. The baby has Trisomy 13. His brain is very abnormal, he has facial deformities, and he has extra toes. The doctor said he wouldn't live more than a few hours if I go to term. I had to have 3 u/s's today, 2 by perinatologists, then I had an amniocentesis, bloodwork, and a Rhogam injection. Greg and I were at the hospital for 8 hours meeting with specialists and genetic counselors. They told me I should terminate the pregnancy. I have to do it in the next week or so because I am 21 weeks now. I have 2 choices. I can be induced and deliver the baby, who will be dead because they will inject his heart with potassium chloride. Or I can have a dilation and evacuation where they will remove the baby in pieces, with me anesthetized. My doctor is recc the D&E because it is a lot quicker than going through full labor and delivery.
We got to see the baby so much today and it was moving all over. I feel like I am dying and I can't believe I have to do this. Greg and I are a mess.
How did you get through your m/c? I had no idea how much this could hurt.
Sorry to burden you but I had to get this out. Please let the girls know what is happening. I could use the support. You can post my email."
The horror of horrors, I can understand her pain. I wish I could be close enough that I could wrap her in my arms or tuck her into bed for the next week.
This is what I had to say to her...I don't know if it helped at all.
"Hi,
I sat here most of the morning trying to think of something to say. There is really no solace, nothing I can say or even do for you. My heart breaks for you and Greg.
You asked how I got through my miscarriage, and the only thing I can tell you is time. Have faith in the fact that time will heal most of your pain. Take each day as it comes and most importantly, you and Greg need to stick together. He's triple hurting right now. For the baby, for himself, and most of all, for you.
I can recommend to you, to have the D & E. You won't be able to hold him or see him, but in the long run it will be what is best for you and your body. If you feel that you really need to hold on to him to say goodbye, then go ahead with the delivery...but I myself couldn't go through with it.
I have to ask, because I think it is important, are you going to name him and bury him? That will be an important part of the grieving process. Even though we are not 100% certain that there was a baby, we named her Autumn nonetheless - so that when we think of what happened we have a name. Not her, or "it" or anything like that. It does help, to think of your baby in someplace like heaven or wherever.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you. I don't know anything I could do to comfort you.
It may help to talk to your sister, or step-sister, who lost her baby full term. I am sure she understands the extreme bond that you already have with your baby.
When my miscarriage was impending, I did a lot of reading on the internet. It helped to hear other stories, as horrible as they were they made me realize that my feelings were normal, and gave me a sense of hope. Most of these people with stories of loss also went on to have more children.
http://www.pregnancyandinfantloss.com is one website I used. I also read the boards on babycenter, there is a Greiving and Loss section.
Bereaved Parents (93)
Grief Stories (197)
Grieving Dads (0)
Pregnancy and Infant Loss (679)
Termination for Medical Reasons (373)
Triploidy Loss (116)
If these links don't work, please let me know and i will email you the real links. I think it will be helpful to read about other people who have gone through this and ask them how they dealt, if they did D&E over labor and delivery.
Please know that I am here. I will always be here, if you need to vent, or to talk. What I am most amazed over, is the drama of our miscarriage is over but I still think about it everyday, and sometimes I need to talk about it, but I don't, because I don't want people to think I am doing so for attention. So if you feel like that, this is a safe place.
You are in my prayers,
Sam"
Oh, and my friend STILL hasn't told me she is pregnant yet, I only heard through my husband, so I have not congratulated her yet. Is that rude?